Newswire: EVula's Lair, 9/1/00

The world is no stranger to technology mergers, what with companies combining forces left and right. However, the Afterlife is a stranger to this new business policy. Not any more.

Sources from inside Amazon.com, as well as tortured sources in Hell, have reported that Amazon.com founder and CEO Jeff Bezos and Hell founder and CEO Lucifer, Lord of Darkness, are in the final stages of business merger talks.

Sources from Amazon.com say that the atmosphere around the work place is relatively light and happy, as everyone realizes the dire need of a secure business partner, and what benefits this could mean for Amazon.com employees. Bezos hopes that having the financial backing of a major figure such as Lucifer will bring business credibility to a company that, while a widely known name in online sales, has been suffering lately from both the recent tech stock crashes, and the fact that Amazon.com is having trouble keeping its financial head above water.

Sources from Hell wail that the atmosphere around Hell is depressing and painfull. Sources close to the Dark Prince, after trying to take this reporter's soul, revealed that Satan has been torturing the eternally dammed with a renewed vigor, much to the delight of lesser demons, and much to the dismay of the residents of Hell.

When asked for a comment, Amazon.com CEO Jeff Bezos had the following to say. "I'm very excited by the prospect of a Amazon.com-Hell merger. I feel that this deal will allow both companies to not only expand their businesses, but also to be able to take advantage of new technologies and new markets. All in all, no one loses."

Satan had this to say on the upcomming merger: "This is a momentous occasion for not only myself, but all residents of Hell. [The next several sentences have been edited, as it was merely Satan screaming profanities at doomed souls, and their eternal wailing; in short, nothing news worthy] Sorry about that, where was I? Oh yes, the merger. With this merger, I will be able to directly sell my wish-granting services to people all of the world, without having to actually show up in a firey explosion of brimstone to offer them deals for their souls. Also, Amazon.com will have a new market, being the official e-commerce site for all of the eternally woeful spirits of the dammed. Not only that, but I can tease them with prime discounts on all sorts of items that would soothe their eternal pain and suffering. Think of Amazon as a river of brimstone. If you thought your Amazon.com stock was going to Hell before..."

The new offices of the proposed new company, The Amazon is Hot as Hell (name tentative), will feature a single CEO office, which Bezos and Lucifer shall share. The name on the door will read "Bezosbub".

The new officies will also benefit from Satan's unique spin on building security. Not only will the new headquarters feature state of the art security technology, but Satan has offered the "assistance" of several million souls to act as security guards. Cerebrus is rumored to be the sole guard for the company's main lobby, given the security clearance needed to rip apart any tresspassers found.

The Legions of Darkness will also bring another benefit to Amazon.com employees; Charon, previously the courier of souls to the Underworld, will also be available to employees as a way of carpooling. Charon will pull his ferry up to each employee's house, then cart them away to headquarters. This way, Amazon.com employees will not have to deal with rush hour. However, the eternally dammed souls that will be working as security will be purposefully redirected into the rush hour traffic, as per the Devil's request.

God was unavailable for comment about the merger.