God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.

Due to Prayer falling out of favor in recent years, God feels that he needs more data reflecting the needs and feelings of people on Earth. In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about your Deity?
       ___ Newspaper
       ___ Bible
       ___ Torah
       ___ Book of Mormon
       ___ Koran
       ___ Divine inspiration
       ___ Dead Sea scrolls
       ___ My mama done tol' me
       ___ Near-death experience
       ___ Near-life experience
       ___ National Public Radio
       ___ Tabloid
       ___ Burning shrubbery
       ___ Other (specify): __________________

2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
       ___ Yahweh
       ___ Allah
       ___ Krishna
       ___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
       ___ Zeus and entourage (Olympus Pak)
       ___ Odin and entourage (Valhalla Pak)
       ___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
       ___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god

3. Did your god come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
       ___ Yes ___ No

   If not, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
   Please indicate all that apply:
       ___ Not eternal
       ___ Not omniscient
       ___ Not omnipotent
       ___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
       ___ Permits sex outside of marriage
       ___ Prohibits sex outside of marriage
       ___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, Jesse Helms)
       ___ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched
       ___ Requires burnt offerings
       ___ Requires virgin sacrifices
       ___ Plays dice with the universe

4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a Deity?
   Please check all that apply.
       ___ Indoctrinated by parents
       ___ Indoctrinated by society
       ___ Needed a reason to live
       ___ Needed focus on whom to despise
       ___ Needed a day away from work
       ___ Needed to feel morally superior
       ___ Graduated from the tooth fairy
       ___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
       ___ Wanted to piss off parents
       ___ Like organ music
       ___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it

5. Have you ever worshipped a Deity before? If so, by which false god were you fooled? Please check all that apply.
       ___ Mick Jagger
       ___ Bill Gates
       ___ Baal
       ___ Beelzebub
       ___ Ra
       ___ The Great Spirit
       ___ The Great Pumpkin
       ___ The almighty dollar
       ___ Left-wing liberalism
       ___ Right-wing radicalism
       ___ Elvis
       ___ Cindy Crawford
       ___ Chocolate
       ___ Burning shrubbery
       ___ Other: _______________________________

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.
       ___ Tarot
       ___ Astrology
       ___ Palmistry
       ___ Tea leaves
       ___ Dianetics
       ___ Fortune cookies
       ___ Psychic Friends Network
       ___ Self-help books
       ___ Sex, drugs, rock and roll
       ___ Biorhythms
       ___ Alcohol
       ___ Bill Clinton
       ___ Jimmy Swaggert
       ___ CompuServe
       ___ Burning shrubbery
       ___ Other: ________________________________

7. God employs a limited degree of divine intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?   (circle one)
       a. More divine intervention
       b. Less divine intervention
       c. Current level of divine intervention is just right
       d. Don't know -- What's divine intervention?

8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 God's handling of the following:

   Disaster:     (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent)
       1 2 3 4 5 flood
       1 2 3 4 5 famine
       1 2 3 4 5 earthquake
       1 2 3 4 5 war
       1 2 3 4 5 pestilence
       1 2 3 4 5 plague
       1 2 3 4 5 AOL
       1 2 3 4 5 Republican Congress

   Miracles:     (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent)
       1 2 3 4 5 rescues
       1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions
       1 2 3 4 5 crying statues
       1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine
       1 2 3 4 5 walking on water
       1 2 3 4 5 VCRs that set their own clocks

9. Please rate the following on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent):
       1 2 3 4 5 God's Courtesy
       1 2 3 4 5 Are your spiritual needs being met?

10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services? (Attach an additional sheet(s) if necessary.)

If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes by March 31, you will be entered in the "One Free Miracle of Your Choice" drawing. Chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 10^23, depending on number of entries submitted.