Steven Wright Quotes

These are some assorted quotes from Steven Wright. For those that don't know who Steven Wright is, he's a comedian that specializes in complete dead-pan delivery of all the following quotes.

Newest Quotes

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place. -- Steven Wright

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. -- Steven Wright

Boy, life takes a long time to live -- Steven Wright

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still ... -- Steven Wright

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means it's going to be up all night. -- Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it. -- Steven Wright

I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child. -- Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. -- Steven Wright

Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to my friend -- he said, 'Do I know you?' -- Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. -- Steven Wright

Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. -- Steven Wright

The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost went back in time. -- Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus? -- Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. -- Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?' -- Steven Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -- Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out. -- Steven Wright

I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas, I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators. -- Steven Wright

I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts. I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups. -- Steven Wright

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said 'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...' The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank... It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never called me again. -- Steven Wright

I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, 'Here, you can go.' -- Steven Wright

I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add. -- Steven Wright

I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children $2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95. -- Steven Wright

I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. I spent last summer folding it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.' -- Steven Wright

I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I got a call from a woman in France who said 'Cut it out!' -- Steven Wright

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it. -- Steven Wright

I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators. -- Steven Wright

I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number. -- Steven Wright

I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?' -- Steven Wright

Is it weird in here, or is it just me? -- Steven Wright

My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big sattelite photo of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: 'Wish you were here.' -- Steven Wright

One time the police stopped me for speeding. They said, 'Don't you know the speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?' I said, 'Yeah, I know, but I wasn't going to be out that long.' -- Steven Wright

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. -- Steven Wright

When I was a kid, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard. I was an only child... eventually. -- Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had slept well. I said, 'No, I made a few mistakes.' -- Steven Wright

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better. -- Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. -- Steven Wright

All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, 'Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store.' -- Steven Wright

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? -- Steven Wright

He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now. -- Steven Wright

I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. -- Steven Wright

I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens. -- Steven Wright

I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, 'Here, Stay, here...' but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me and just keeps on typing. -- Steven Wright

I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, 'Well first I... I just... to make a long story short...' -- Steven Wright

I just got out of the hospital after a speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. -- Steven Wright

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. -- Steven Wright

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. -- Steven Wright

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. -- Steven Wright

I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80 degrees today,' and I said 'Oops.' -- Steven Wright

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs. -- Steven Wright

I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes. -- Steven Wright

I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour. -- Steven Wright

I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to get off my driveway.' -- Steven Wright

I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific. -- Steven Wright

I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any questions , I said 'Yes, just one. If you're in a car traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen?' He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work for him then. -- Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. -- Steven Wright

Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash.... The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops. -- Steven Wright

Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. I don't remember what it was. -- Steven Wright

My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant. -- Steven Wright

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? -- Steven Wright

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick... -- Steven Wright

Curiousity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect. -- Steven Wright

I almost had a pyschic girlfriend, but she left me before we met. -- Steven Wright

I bought some batteries but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again. -- Steven Wright

I broke a mirror the other day. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five. -- Steven Wright

I cried because I had no shoes, 'till I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'You got any shoes you're not using'? -- Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment yesterday. The people who live above me are furious.I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. -- Steven Wright

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation? -- Steven Wright

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